How to Get the Love You Deserve

We always get the love we deserve. The real question is: Are we doing what we need to do to earn the love we WANT?


Wondering how to get the love you deserve? Sometimes we may feel we’re not getting what we need, but here’s how to bring more love to your life.


We all deserve love. Now, the love we want to have in our lives and the love we actually receive may look a little different. We may want more romantic love from our partner, more supportive love and attention from our friends, or even more expressive love from our kids, parents, or siblings.

So, if you’re wondering how to get the love you deserve, it may be time to reframe the question—are you doing what you need to do to attract and earn the love you WANT?

What Kind of Love Do You Want?

When we ask the question “how do I get the love I deserve?”, it raises a few points. First of all, the word “deserve” is something to examine. We all deserve love simply by being human beings in this world. But the word deserve can indicate feelings of entitlement or inadequacy. Either we feel like we deserve more love than our partner is giving us, or we fear we don’t deserve the love we want in our life. So instead, we want to frame our analysis of the word “deserve” as earning the love we want.

When we talk about partnerships and relationships, we should look at engagement—not the type of engagement that involves a diamond ring. Instead, we’re looking at the kind of engagement that fosters a deep connection. Are we engaging in our relationship, and is our partner engaged with us? Whether we’re talking business, social, or personal lives, we can ask if we’re fully engaged with those around us. Do we use conflict to get the most out of our relationships?

Conflict gets a bad rap. We might think of conflict as a negative state, where we’re bickering and fighting, but really, conflict is a natural component of change and growth. We can’t change or get stronger without resistance. If we’re smoothly sailing along, going through life conflict-free, we’re missing something.

We’re either fooling ourselves, lying to ourselves, or burying our heads in the sand. By the very nature of being human, we will face conflicting wants, desires, and yearnings. Getting to the heart of these yearnings helps us connect while finding ways to fulfill the needs and desires we have.

Following the Rules in Relationships

Behind every ugly fight—the cycle of blaming and defending or moving around the drama triangle—is an underlying truth. Fights indicate that there’s something not being fulfilled. It could be an unanswered yearning or a built-up resentment.


Growing and transforming in a relationship is all about fighting fair. It’s not about avoiding the fight entirely but rather engaging in a productive, respectful discussion, where we express our feelings and issues to open up the heart of the conflict.


Both parties can follow a few rules of engagement to ensure the fights are productive and fair. The rules are rooted in personal responsibility and directed at both sides of the partnership. Even if only one side follows the rules, there will be a significant improvement in communication and engagement throughout the relationship.

The Rules of Engagement for Fair Fights

  1. Minimize the Negative: This means we should avoid passive-aggressive behaviors like disengagement (stonewalling, withholding, and secretive behavior) or the “hidden middle finger (actions to intentionally provoke). But avoid tiptoeing around conflict, focusing on soft addictions, or extreme fighting with blame, shame, whining, and justifying.
  2. Accentuate the Positive: This means sincere engagement, where each party approaches the situation openly, with humor, honesty, and responsiveness. It means staying truthful about yearnings, talking, sharing affection, and being real.
  3. No One Gets or Gives More than 50% of the Blame: Think of it as a no-fault relationship. No matter who instigated the argument or began the discussion, there’s no need to break it down into who did what. Each partner is part of the system. As they say, “It takes two to tango.”
  4. You Must Take 100% Responsibility for Your Own Happiness: When we feel hurt, we are 100% responsible for our own feelings of happiness. It’s not our partners’ job to make us happy. No one can control our emotions but us. Support is one thing, but personal responsibility is the foundation of transformational conflict and engagement.
  5. Express and Agree with the Truth: This means always being truthful in engagement. ALWAYS. Often there’s a lot of truth in an argument, but neither party wants to give in by acknowledging that truth. It’s okay to say, “You’re right, but I don’t like it.” When we acknowledge the truth in an argument, it often turns the tide.
  6. Always Fight FOR, Not Against: We can ask ourselves what we yearn for. For example, rather than arguing how our partner never helps out, consider arguing FOR our partner to help out. When we reframe the conflict, we turn it into a positive, growth-focused interaction that helps meet an underlying yearning. Go into each interaction by asking what are we really fighting FOR?
  7. Assume Goodwill: This is one of the toughest rules of engagement for couples to accept. But when we think about it, we often realize that our partner isn’t out to get us in most cases. In fact, they WANT to work things out. They want to make things better. That doesn’t mean that a cruel comment won’t come out, or we always get along, but for the most part, both parties are trying. Stop looking at each other as the enemy.

The above ground rules set the stage for fair conflict. When we sincerely apply them to our relationship, we can instantly start seeing a shift. Even if our partner isn’t on-board with the rules, the tone and tenor of the argument will often change quickly. Both parties feel more connected and less defensive.

If we’re looking for the love we deserve, the rules of engagement can help us move toward the relationship connection that we’re seeking.

Applying the Rules to Get the Love You Deserve

Each situation is different, and sometimes applying the rules of engagement won’t make someone fall in love with us or give us the emotional connection we’re hungry for. However, if we’re honestly expressing what we need in a relationship, we’ll quickly realize whether or not we’re on the right path.

It’s also important to recognize that we can bring love into our lives in many different ways. It doesn’t just come from a fairytale romance (in fact, the idea of a fairytale romance is a myth—there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship or partner). Instead, we can find love in our life by focusing on the connections and engagement that meet our yearnings.


The rules of engagement apply whether we’re single, married, or applying them at work or with friends. When we follow the rules for fighting fair, we’ll find that our conflicts become more productive, and they move us towards the things we really want.


Within the conflict, we’ll realize our personal responsibility and personal power. We’ll start to approach the situation in a way that will help us meet our yearnings to foster growth and deeper engagement.

Getting the love that we need and want doesn’t mean we have to be in a relationship to enjoy the closeness and a connection. Instead, we can learn to love ourselves and enjoy the love and connection we experience with our friends and family. There is beauty and love throughout the universe, and when we start to recognize it and apply it to our yearnings, we may realize that we can be seen, heard, and valued in many different ways.

If both sides of a couple are learning and growing together, following the rules of engagement, and sharing their yearnings, they’ll both get the love they want (and the love they deserve).

For more ways to enjoy a deeper connection with others, don’t miss the resources available at Wright Now. We have many courses and materials designed to help you get the career, relationship, and life you want—a life of MORE.


About the Author

Kate Holmquest

Kate Holmquest is a coach, curriculum developer, and campus director for Wright and the Wright Graduate University for the Realization of Human Potential who believes that dating is one of the best possible playgrounds for discovering and transforming yourself! Potential movie titles that describe her quest for satisfaction in single life are “40 First Dates” (a.k.a. dating with velocity), “Ten Things I Hate About You” (a.k.a. telling the truth on dates), and “The Thing About My Folks” (a.k.a. noticing and breaking the relationship rules I learned at home).


The Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential is a leadership institute located in Chicago, Illinois. Wright Foundation’s performative learning programs are integrated into the curriculum at Wright Graduate University.

 

How To Reboot
Your Dating Life
by Telling the Truth

Meeting new people and discovering who they are isn’t all there is to dating; we also get to know ourselves in every relationship—whether it’s one date long or a thousand dates long.


Authenticity is one of the hardest things to bring to the table when dating. After all, we’re getting to know perfect strangers, so often times our instinct is to put on a pleasant face and demeanor even when things aren’t going quite right.

But the entire dating experience can really change when you commit to honesty and authenticity. Yes, always being your authentic self can be challenging, but it’s also the best way to learn and grow, and to get the most out of every date.

Honesty on First Dates

Authenticity on a first date can be difficult—but it’s completely worth it. Prior to your date, try telling yourself, “I am going to be fully engaged while I’m there. I will be present enough to know what I like or dislike about this person, and I will be real and honest.” From there, work to be present and go with the flow.

Admittedly, being your true self is sometimes easier when a first date is going well. But what if you like your date’s personality, but you’re just not attracted to them? What if you end up in an uncomfortable conversation that conflicts with your values? What if only one of you is interested in a second date? Yikes!

This is when the going can get tough. Instead of engaging and being honest, many of us either put on a happy face and “smile through anything” or we become distant, just hoping to “get through it.” But that’s no way to live. Let’s think about the big picture: what do you want out of this date? If you’re not getting it, don’t be afraid to say how you’re feeling out loud (without being mean)—trust me, the world around you isn’t going to crumble! Both of you will probably be just fine, and then you can move forward from there.

A Second Date? Or Not?

When dating, consider going out with lots of different people to discover more about what you want in a partner. If you’re honest, authentic and present on every date, you’ll learn so much about yourself and each person you meet.

There’s nothing wrong with going on lots of first dates. Have fun! (And yes, you can tell the truth AND have fun!) Savor your experiences, talk about your loves, your likes, your dislikes…dive in and be there.

So after that first date with a new person, if you don’t feel like it’s going anywhere—say so and move on. While it may be hard to say NO to a second date, think about it this way: you’re not really sparing that person’s feelings. Instead you’re just delaying the inevitable. The other person will think you’re interested and you’ll suffer through a second date, distant and far from engaged. Sounds like a terrible way to spend time, right?

The bottom line: Simply say yes and mean yes or simply say no. You can do it.

Take Notes and Learn More

As a dating failsafe, try taking an inventory after each date: what were your likes and dislikes? Journal your thoughts and feelings about each person. Even when dating consciously, it’s worth reflecting on each date afterwards to get a handle on your overall experience. Writing down everything can help you be with your thoughts for a moment and perhaps even learn a new lesson or discover something new about yourself.

Consider your journal your “dating study guide.” It’ll help you learn more about yourself and exactly what you’re looking for in a partner. Happy dating!


About the Author

Kate Holmquest

Kate Holmquest is a coach, curriculum developer, and campus director for Wright and the Wright Graduate University for the Realization of Human Potential who believes that dating is one of the best possible playgrounds for discovering and transforming yourself! Potential movie titles that describe her quest for satisfaction in single life are “40 First Dates” (a.k.a. dating with velocity), “Ten Things I Hate About You” (a.k.a. telling the truth on dates), and “The Thing About My Folks” (a.k.a. noticing and breaking the relationship rules I learned at home).


Blog post image courtesy Flickr user wtlphotos.

Wright Living is a division of the Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential, a leadership institute located in Chicago, Illinois. Wright Living performative learning programs are integrated into the curriculum at Wright Graduate University.

3 Ways to Take Your Online Relationship Offline

Let’s get one thing straight. There’s no such thing as online dating. Until you’ve actually met the person face to face, you’re only dating an idea.


Dating a person you met online is what I like to call, simply, “dating” – but getting there can be frustrating.

Maybe it’s happened to you: you have amazing texting conversations with someone that actually make you laugh out loud. Finally, you go on a real date with them and all you hear are crickets.

Many single people scrap their dating sites and apps after a few of these frustrating encounters. After all, no one starts a match.com or tinder profile dreaming of endless flirty texts and email exchanges.

But there is a purpose to the online phase of a relationship that’s forming, and an art to successfully navigating the transition to being together offline.

Here are a few checkpoints to follow before and during the date:

1Chat on the phone before your first date

Before meeting them in person, try having a phone conversation first. It’s not about whether the person on the other end of the line has a sexy voice. It’s about how engaged they are with you, how curious, how well they read your moods and cues, and how they flow with you. If you’re bored after five minutes, or if they haven’t made a move by the end of the conversation to seal the first date, it’s not worth your time.

Follow your gut – it’s better to have a mere five minutes of awkwardness rather than waste a whole night with poor company.

If the conversation goes well- fantastic! You can expand on your conversation on the date, and your first meeting will be less awkward.

If you look back at any relationship that lasts, you’ll see how that first conversation planted the seed for so many conversations that followed, and how the challenges and delights you have at date 15 are many of the same ones you had in that first 15 minutes.

Don’t miss the chance to get some great data from the comfort of your phone before meeting in person. Without the additional pressure of having to think about how you look, how they look, what face you’re making, and the constant interruptions of a waiter, you’re in a better position to check in with yourself on what you like and don’t like about the conversation.

2. Keep your first date low-key

When you’re meeting your date for the first time, keep the date simple. Going to a concert or a trapeze lesson might be a thrill, but you’re better off picking a venue you’re sure you can have a conversation in.

The perfect solution is to set up a series of plans, right? Dinner and a movie is classic. Or coffee followed by that concert you want to see. Not so. If your date is going down the drain after ten minutes, you’ve just made it nearly impossible to exit gracefully, and you’re likely to have your dud of a date ruin an otherwise cool experience.

You’re better off keeping your cards to your chest, and if you’re loving the company, mention that cool thing going on nearby you’re planning to go to, and see if your date will join you impromptu.

3. Ask for feedback!

Towards the end of the date, be up-front and ask questions. Ask your date how they think the date went.

Better still, be the first to give feedback. For example, if your date’s not making eye contact, mention it at the 30-minute mark in a light way like, “Hey you over there, I can’t get a read on you because you’re not looking my way much. Are you having a good time?” Your date will show their interest by telling you what’s on their mind or meeting your eyes more for the rest of your time together—or they’ll be defensive or deflect your comment. Either way, it’s important to see how they engage with you when you’re truthful.

Don’t be that person that tells someone, “Let’s go out again!” then vents to her friends about their date’s every awkward move on the way home. Or that person who’s left wondering why she didn’t call. Hear it straight from your date so you can adjust how you are on dates, or adjust the kind of dates you choose.

If you’re the great catch you think you are, you don’t have time to waste online. Get just enough info to decide if a person is worth your time to meet, and get out there and engage offline!

Are you looking for a romantic relationship but aren’t sure of yourself? Learn how to love yourself and realize your inner desires at Wright Now.  Explore our selection of courses and webinars, where we offer resources to help you discover more about yourself, your relationships, and your career. So start living a life of MORE today!


About the Author

Kate Holmquest

Kate Holmquest is a coach, curriculum developer, and campus director for Wright and the Wright Graduate University for the Realization of Human Potential who believes that dating is one of the best possible playgrounds for discovering and transforming yourself! Potential movie titles that describe her quest for satisfaction in single life are “40 First Dates” (a.k.a. dating with velocity), “Ten Things I Hate About You” (a.k.a. telling the truth on dates), and “The Thing About My Folks” (a.k.a. noticing and breaking the relationship rules I learned at home). 


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Image courtesy Flickr user cgpgrey

Wright Living is a division of the Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential, a leadership institute located in Chicago, Illinois. Wright Living performative learning programs are integrated into the curriculum at Wright Graduate University.