Wright Foundation | December 14, 2022

Fear of Not Finding Love

Craving Couplehood?  Afraid of Never Finding Love? How do we get over our fear of never finding love? Here is the short answer: Be more loving. The long answer? It could be that the real fear is never finding love with ourselves and becoming the most loving people we can become. If you think you already are, think again—does your love come with hooks? Either way, changing our perspective can change everything.

The Miracle of Love Hokey? Hardly!

There’s a reason so many are looking for love and afraid of not finding it. Because when it happens, it is a miracle.

I enjoy reading Norman Vincent Peale and Guideposts (if you’re too young to know who that is, Google him!). The other day I read a story about a woman who was afraid of never finding a man. Her grandmother told her, “You’re looking for the wrong thing.” And she asked, “What should I be looking for?” Her grandmother answered, “You should be looking for a miracle.”

As she drove away, those words moved in her, and she soon found herself turning in a different direction than where she was supposed to be heading. While figuring out where she was, she came across a youth center with a big sign that said, “Are You Tired of the Dating Game?” along with an invitation to join the square dance going on inside right then.

She went in and stood quietly to the side—like the wallflower she had always been in high school—and watched everyone have fun. Then a redheaded man gave her the warmest, most welcoming look she had ever received.

Still too afraid, she was about to leave when something told her to give it another five minutes. She took her hand off the doorknob and went back.

An older woman came over and started talking to her. “Has anyone caught your eye?” And she answered, “That redheaded guy.” And the woman responded, “Well, that’s interesting because he’s been eyeing you the whole time.”

We know the rest of the story. He asks her to dance. She says yes. They fall in love and get married. That’s NOT the news. The news is that this woman had a big fear of not finding love, but she changed directions (literally), shifted her consciousness (thank you, grandma), and was led to a miracle—the transformation of fear into love.


Do You Know What’s Good for You? (Hint: It’s NOT More Sex!)

I suspect so many marriages and partnerships end in divorce because people don’t. They don’t know the difference between attraction and who would be a good partner for them. How can we know what’s good for us in a relationship if we’re not entirely conscious of it? Because, let’s face it, most of us are not.

Our unconscious minds are always ready to convince us that physical attraction is a PERFECT clue to finding our next best relationship. Physical attraction is the realm of our unconscious mind and, believe it or not, our unconscious minds are the least helpful thing we have for finding love, but they are perfect if finding the perfect person to prick our unfinished business. In spades! (Respect and caring for ourselves are WAY more valuable.)

Yes, sex is irresistible, but it’s not the most helpful indicator of long-lasting love. What turns us on could very well be what should turn us off. For example: Before I was the happily married man I am now, the women I was attracted to were cold and rejecting. Cue: Though my mother had many good qualities, she could be cold and rejecting.

I had to learn (and keep learning) that what turns me on is problematic.

Then I had a professor tell me, “You must get over thinking there is a scarcity of sex. There is actually an abundance of sex.”

That changed everything for me. Suddenly, I didn’t have to say “yes” to everything my unconscious mind was leading me towards—which was rejecting problematic women.

And I could instead start looking for my miracle, which I found in Judith Wright—to be sure, classy, and somewhat aloof like my mother but an improved version.

We all need to get over our belief in the scarcity of love because there IS abundance all around.

We’re like puppies looking for someone to pat us on the head and say we’re the one! But we’re not as willing to be as vulnerable as a little puppy would be. Why? Because we are too busy hiding out in an edited version of who we are, our false selves.

So, what does that mean?

Swipe right on YOU and learn to love yourself radically.

To Know You is to Love You

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

– Marianne Williamson

We must know ourselves before we can begin to love ourselves. And we must love ourselves before we can begin to know and love someone else.

Most of the time, we’re trying to sell the world an “us” that’s not wholly “us.” So, if we want to be loved for all of who we are, we must find out more about who that is and bring it to the world.

It starts with learning and following our deeper yearnings. These are the longings of our hearts: to love and be loved, to touch and be touched, to matter, to make a difference, to create, to connect, to serve. Yearnings are what keep us from playing small. When we begin to spend time getting to know ours, things start to change.

We stop looking for satisfaction on the outside and start nurturing it from the inside.


But What About That Fear?

Fear is everywhere all the time.

But if we don’t stay with our fear and do the exact thing that we’re afraid of, we won’t grow.

The thing many of us fear the most is being alone, which is why we are always searching for the next relationship. BUT the more comfortable we become spending time alone with ourselves and facing exactly as we are, the better we’ll ultimately feel in a relationship. And the deeper that relationship will center around genuine love.

Love does NOT mean never having to say you’re sorry, as a famous movie once told us. Love means not having control. Love means letting go and being vulnerable.

Love means knowing who we are so we can really know others, and celebrate ourselves, whether we are in a relationship or not.

And that is the miracle.