Do you ever feel like you’re unlovable or as though no one cares? How can you get more love in your life?
When we hear “love,” most of us think “romantic love,” but that’s certainly not the only love we have in our lives. Similarly, when we wonder how to get more love in our life, we might be thinking, “more dates,” but that’s not the only way to feel loved.
At some point, we’ve all felt like we were unlovable or that no one cares. We’ve wondered how to get more love, whether from friends, our boss, family, partner, or spouse. Even if we’re surrounded by others and enjoying a great relationship, we probably have moments where we don’t feel particularly loved (or frankly, even “liked”) by others.
So, where is the love? Why do we feel like we don’t have enough love in our lives? How do we attract more of that admiration, connection, and positivity to our lives? How do we get more love?
What’s Love Got to Do with It?
Here’s the universal truth: each of us is worthy of love.
Better still, each day, the universe sends love our way, regardless of the number of friends we have, our relationship status, or our own perception. Every day we receive evidence that we have value, we are loveable, deserve love and adoration, simply by the miracle of being alive. For affirmation, we need to open our eyes to the beauty of the universe.
Now we might think, “but I don’t feel very loved, right now.” Maybe we feel lonely, down, or disconnected from others. Perhaps we’ve been through the ending of a relationship, loss, or another challenge disrupting the norms in our lives.
Which leads to the question, what is love anyway? What does it mean to feel loved? If I’ve lost love, how do I get that feeling back into my life?
When we think of love, most of us turn to thoughts of romance. We envision the love scenes in our favorite movie. We hear love songs and think of our favorite romance novels. Love has become a fairytale idea—a magical feeling that sweeps us off our feet, changes who we are, and transforms how we feel about ourselves.
Even look at the songs:
- All You Need is Love
- Love Conquers All
- I Will Always Love You
- Because You Loved Me
- The Glory of Love
It’s no wonder we have a romanticized notion of what love is and what it means to be loved by someone!
Letting Go of Fairytales and Getting into Real Love
As we go through challenging times, we may become a little put off by the very notion of romantic love. We may feel like the love we have doesn’t measure up, so why try for more?
Most of us realize fairytale romance is a myth, but there may be a side of us that still longs for those relationships we see in the movies. When this happens, we’re striving for an ideal that doesn’t exist. There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship, and if we’re concerned that our relationships don’t measure up, it could be that we’re holding them to an impossible standard.
Real relationships take time, energy, and, yes, work. It requires being honest, growing together, and not being afraid to roll up our sleeves and battle sometimes. A romantic relationship won’t save us from ourselves, fix us, or “make us happy” if we aren’t.
But of course, romantic relationships are nourishing. Romantic love is a beautiful gift, and a relationship can serve as both a womb to nurture and a crucible to forge us into our best selves. Romantic love is important, but it’s also not the be-all, end-all we hear about in love songs. In truth, a solid romantic love requires us to know and love ourselves, both in and outside of the relationship.
More importantly, romantic love isn’t the only way we can get more love in our life. In fact, we don’t need a romantic connection to feel fulfilled, cared for, or satisfied.
All of us can access the love the universe provides us. Some of us think of this love as spiritual—the love we feel from God, the Buddha, a Great Spirit—and some see it as the abundance and beauty of the world around us.
The world is sending us love through beauty, connection, acts of kindness, and all the wonderful encounters we experience. When we open our eyes to it, we will start to notice how much love surrounds us.
The Loving Truth: You Are Loved
The idea we’re loved changes our perspective on the world. Years back, when I was visiting spiritual sites in France, I stopped to meditate and write out my thoughts. There is a Parisian café, I came to a profound yet simple realization: You are loved.
I wrote this loving truth out in my book, The Soft Addiction Solution. I realized that this simple truth could completely transform our perspective on ourselves and others. This truth helps us live a richer life, experience deeper connections, and embrace the belief that not only are we loved, but we’re worthy of love.
The First Loving Truth: You Are Loved: You are loved beyond your own imagining. You may not feel it, know it, or even believe it, but the truth remains that you are loved. You are a beloved child of a loving universe. Nothing you can do will make the love go away, for it is your birthright. Is there anything we want more than to be loved? Is there anything that we fear more than the possibility that we are not loved? Our fears are groundless. What we most wish for, we already have. Love is abundant. It is we who block the reception of love, who believe we are not loved, or lovable, or who feel as if we can never get enough.
When we realize this truth, it instantly opens up a transformative path for us. When we feel more loved, we’re no longer seeking to numb ourselves by engaging in soft addictions. We stop shopping to feel fulfilled. We stop scrolling through social media, comparing our lives to those of our friends. We stop trying to measure up.
When we’re wondering how to get more love, we’re operating under the mistaken belief we’re not loved or not loved enough. We’re in a place of scarcity. We may constantly attempt to fill ourselves up to no avail. We may overeat, we may overspend, try to please others, and become who we think they want us to be. We believe we aren’t loveable the way we are, or there’s not enough love to go around.
The belief love is a scarce resource may drive us our entire lives, starting in childhood. Perhaps you were told as a child you weren’t enough…or you were too much. Maybe you believed you weren’t worthy of attention, protection, or care.
Fortunately, when we realize there is plenty of love in the universe, we start to change our mistaken beliefs. We don’t need to resign ourselves to living under this pretense—that love is a commodity that can be given and taken away. We’re each worthy of love. Better yet, we’re each loved, and love is abundantly surrounding us. There is proof everywhere.
Deciding to Be Loved
The remarkable aspect of the truth is that it’s true, whether or not everyone (or anyone) believes it. It’s not necessary to know you are loved to benefit from this truth. You simply need to operate AS IF it’s true. Open yourself up to the possibility of having more than enough love in your life.
Being loved is a decision. We often think of it as a feeling, but it’s a choice. Being loved by another person doesn’t solve our pain. It doesn’t resolve the feelings we may grapple with. We may know we are loved, but we may not feel loved all the time.
Having someone love you is not a panacea for feelings of lack, unworthiness, and pain. For example, I know that I am loved, but I do not feel loved all the time. My husband loves me deeply and tells me daily. He believes in me and does whatever he can to help me achieve my dreams. He compliments me (he calls me gorgeous every day), lauds my successes, appreciates my way of being, gives me truthful feedback to keep me moving toward my vision, and shows his love for me in many ways. It saddens me that I don’t always let his caring in or sometimes miss the depth of his feelings for me.
It is a form of stinking thinking to identify a feeling and ascribe meaning to it. It is called emotional reasoning. I don’t feel loved; therefore, I am not loved is a stinking thought. A corrected thought is I am loved. I’m simply not feeling it right now…
When we decide we are loved, we begin to look for evidence of it. Because of the power of self-fulfilling prophecies, we tend to act in ways that confirm our current beliefs. If we change either our beliefs or our actions, we can shift the cycle. As you make these changes, you will feel more acceptance, more love, and more hope. Even if you can’t feel it at the moment, you will still see the evidence. You’ll probably even attract more respect and positive attention because of the shift in your belief system because you hold yourself as loved and deserving.
By redefining love, you will see that love isn’t just romance. Love has to do with caring and holding each other close in your hearts. Evidence of being loved can range from a spouse’s loving look to a parent’s stern admonition to a chore done for you when you didn’t ask.
When we open our eyes to the love around us, we will start to notice the ways the universe shows us love and caring—a beautiful sunset, a soft snowfall, and kindness from strangers. When a coworker holds the door for us, when we enjoy a good meal or admire a beautiful work of art, these are examples and evidence of love. Simple pleasures that reassure us, yes, we are worthy of love, and we are loved. We can love ourselves, care for, and nurture ourselves.
As we choose to accept this belief—that we’re loved and loveable–our worthiness is reinforced and continues to build on itself and compound. When we seek evidence of being loved, we will begin to notice it all around us. Because of the power of self-fulfilling prophecies, we act in ways that affirm our beliefs. The more loved we believe we are, the more evidence we’ll discover to strengthen that belief. If we want to get more love, we should open up to the truth:
We are loved!
Go forth with belief in this truth, and you will find greater happiness, strength, and fulfillment.
For more ways to build your self-care muscles, explore our course on Wright Now. We offer many personal development courses and materials to help you find satisfaction in your career, your relationships, and with yourself. Get more out of life today!
The Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential is a leadership institute located in Chicago, Illinois. Wright Foundation performative learning programs are integrated into the curriculum at Wright Graduate University.