Month: December 2015

The Kama Sutra
of Conversation

Posted on by Wright Foundation

The Kama Sutra, the ancient guide on making love and sex, seems far off from the topic of workplace conversation, at least at first mention.


You’re probably wondering what on earth one has to do with the other.

What is conversation? Conversation is engagement between two people, where desired outcomes are expressed, where people are connecting verbally and stating their yearnings and longings (or sometimes adding them to the sub-context). Great conversationalists listen, they engage, they make eye contact, and they care about the other person’s desired outcome as well as their own.

What is intercourse? Well, besides the obvious, intercourse is engagement between two people moving toward a desired outcome and mutual pleasure. Great love-makers are connected physically and emotionally. Their yearnings and longings are being realized and they’re meeting the yearnings and longings of the other person. Just like great conversationalists, they engage, they make eye contact, and they care about the other person’s enjoyment and pleasure as well as their own.

Unfortunately, there’s no Kama Sutra for conversation, but the same guidelines and principles apply. Truly connecting with the other person, expressing your desire, listening and moving together to a desired outcome—those are the components of amazing conversation.

How to Be a Great Conversationalist

What are the qualities of a great conversationalist? They’re interested in others, they’re curious, they’re good listeners, and they pick up on social cues while maintaining rapport and conversational flow. They understand when to share, and when to hold back. They clarify and ask questions.

Too often in conversation, we zone out or catch ourselves going through the motions. Sometimes we open our mouths and start blabbering on about OUR WANTS and OUR NEEDS with no regard for the other person, or the desired outcome and shared vision. These things don’t make for great conversation. They make for BORING conversation.

When you meet someone who is truly versed in how to make a conversation interesting, they know exactly when it’s time to share and relate. The person they’re engaging with feels listened to, even if they weren’t agreed with. They might say, “Tell me more about that.” They clarify and try to get more information.

A great conversationalist brings their own stuff to the table as well. We’ve all met someone who’s able to fall into a rhythm in any conversation and keep it going without dominating the conversation. It comes back to the Kama Sutra of conversation—understanding when to engage and up-regulate the conversation and when to down-regulate the interaction.

What it really comes down to is excellent social and emotional intelligence—understanding others and caring about them and their humanity, while still understanding ourselves and caring for ourselves; learning to express our desires and feelings without trampling down or disregarding the yearnings of our conversational partner.

Getting Conversations Back on Track

Sometimes you might find yourself engaged in a conversation with someone who scares you. Perhaps you feel they don’t care about your feelings or you can’t figure out the right way to engage with them. Maybe they’ve disregarded you, assaulted you emotionally or said hurtful things to you in the past. They might remind you of someone else who’s made you feel small or disregarded, and you might be projecting your memories of that person onto this new conversational partner.

Any time a conversation is running off the rails, you can always steer it back with honesty. Use the opportunity to be honest, explain, regain your steering, and assess everyone’s alignment.

When you have to engage with someone whom you dread, get the conversation back to the productive range by saying, “Look, I don’t understand what you want from me and I can’t read you. Help me understand your expectations and what I can do to make you satisfied with my work. I want you to be satisfied with me. Help me understand the vision of what that looks like.”

If you’ve made a mistake, apologize and move on. Take personal responsibility. Learn what you need to in order to come out of the mistake, fix what you can, and move forward. When we make a mistake, we have a tendency to see ourselves as victims, to long for a rescuer, and to start down the path of the drama triangle. Don’t do it. Instead, use honesty to regain your steering.

When it comes down to it, conversation is back and forth engagement. It’s connecting with another person. It’s allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to engage openly and honestly with someone else from a place of confidence and authenticity. When we’re seeking a mutually beneficial outcome and we’re honest about our desires, the confidence and ease comes naturally, and we find we become well versed in the art of conversation.

Listen to past episodes of Wright’s Lifestyle Podcasts here on BlogTalkRadio.

 

To continue the conversation on engaging with others and to discover ways to bring out your best self, click here to learn more about our More Life Training workshops. Kick off the year by engaging in what I promise will be one of the best weekends of your life. It will give you the tools you need to go forth and ignite your world.

You’ll be able to read all about these ideas and more in Dr. Bob and Judith’s Wright’s book: The Heart of the Fight: A Couple’s Guide to Fifteen Common Fights, What They Really Mean, and How They Can Bring You Closer. (Available now on Amazon!)

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Want to learn more about more satisfying dates and relationships? If you’d like to learn more about what the Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential has to offer check out:

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Wright Living is a division of the Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential, a leadership institute located in Chicago, Illinois. Wright Living performative learning programs are integrated into the curriculum at Wright Graduate University.

Holiday Mayhem:
Your Guide to a
Great Season

Posted on by Wright Foundation

During the holidays, it’s easy to lose sight of your focus. Family patterns emerge, feelings come up to haunt us from Christmases past, and your New Year’s Eve plans might not go as you hoped. You’re off routine and surrounded by people that stir up your feelings.


Maybe you love the holiday season, but feel it’s too commercialized or that you can’t connect with others in a deeper way. Maybe you hate the holidays or avoid them because you’ve had a rough year, or you feel you aren’t in a financial place to give people lavish gifts. Maybe you don’t celebrate Christmas at all and you’re sick of everyone shoving Christmas in your face.

Well, no matter what your belief framework—Christian, Jewish, Atheist, Muslim, Buddhist, or Agnostic—you can still see this as a time to end the year on a high note. It can become a time to express your appreciation for others and spread tidings of goodwill towards your fellow men (and women). It can be a time of transformation and growth for all of us.

I think of the holidays as the time of year to express appreciation to my loved ones and tell them just how meaningful they’ve been to me. I like to hear about their memories and the positive experiences the season brings up. I also like to hear about the negative things and let my loved ones work them through by expressing their feelings—getting them out, confronting those fears and regrets, and letting them go. This is a powerful time of year.

As we close the season, our thoughts turn to transformational living and growth as well. Give your loved ones the gift of transformation by sharing our book, Transformed: The Science of Spectacular Living.

What It’s All About: Showing Appreciation

People beat themselves up wanting to buy the perfect gift, when really, the perfect gift is what you give of yourself. Before you feel like you can’t give your loved one a new car, television set, or whatever commercialized “next big thing” is out there, take a moment to reflect on what you CAN give to those you love.

Tell your significant other that although you can’t afford what you wish you could give, you want to express all the things you appreciate about them and the reasons you’re grateful your partner is in your life. Then, tell your loved one you’d like to hear what they want from you for the upcoming year. What are their desires, their yearnings, and their hopes for your relationship? Engage in activities and meaningful moments.

We get in this mindset that the only way to express our love is by giving grand gestures and big gifts. Truly the most meaningful gift is appreciation. Tell others what you appreciate about your relationship with them. Explain the impact they have on your life and the blessings you desire for each other in the upcoming year.

Home for the Holidays Can Be Hard

We all have feelings of inadequacy and longing to be seen for who we really are. We want others to know us and to care about us. No one brings that out quite like family and those closest to us.

When we find ourselves back home for the holidays, old patterns and resentments can die hard. Maybe our parents and siblings dredge up frustrations and regrets. We can fall back into our roles from childhood and all of the feelings that entails.

This year, declare a vacation from resentments. It’s not about being phony or pretending everything’s great. You can even let your parents know that while there are plenty of things left unsaid right now, you do want to address them in the future. However, in the spirit of the season, you want to declare a resentment-free zone. Put the feelings aside. If something comes up or occurs during the holiday, address it and move forward.

Get the conversation rolling by asking your family members to reflect on their best memories of the season. Express your gratitude to your parents for giving you life. No matter how difficult things might have been in the past, your life is of great value to you and you appreciate that.

Pose the same question to your family that you posed to your partner: what can you do for your parents, siblings and family members in the upcoming year? What are they looking forward to in the next year? Even if your family members shut you down, roll their eyes, or get uncomfortable, see it through. Acknowledge the awkwardness and move through it.

Avoiding Burnout

When you’re pulled in different directions and trying to pack in too much stuff, take a step back to engage with those around you. Ask family and friends about their favorite holiday memories. Engaging with a loved one and discussing what the holidays mean to that person can be a powerful way to move the conversation to a deeper level.

Engage with those around you in a meaningful way and you’ll bring the meaning back into your holiday. For example, look at your extra work hours as a way to better serve your clients and help them make the most of their holiday as well. If you’re trying to finish up end of year quotas and close your books, think of all the ways you’re making your business better for next year, and doing your due diligence to close the year properly and on a high note.

Remember, even though it can seem difficult, the holidays are a beautiful time to appreciate all the things we love about each other. It’s a time to express gratitude and think of ways we can give back and care for one another.

Use movement into a New Year as an opportunity to start your own transformation. See this as a time to elevate yourself and the world around you. Engage with others and discover your best self. Start living a life that touches all those around you and discover the ways you can go out and make the world a better place.

Listen to this episode here on BlogTalkRadio or here on iTunes.
Check Out Lifestyle Podcasts at BlogTalkRadio with Wright Living on BlogTalkRadio.

Learn more about our More Life Training. Engage with others and discover ways to bring out your best self. It will give you the tools you need to go forth and ignite your world.

You’ll be able to read all about these ideas and more in Dr. Bob and Judith’s Wright’s book: The Heart of the Fight: A Couple’s Guide to Fifteen Common Fights, What They Really Mean, and How They Can Bring You Closer. (Available now from Amazon!)

Liked this post and want more? Sign up for updates– free!

Want to learn more about more satisfying dates and relationships? If you’d like to learn more about what the Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential has to offer check out:

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Blog post image courtesy: Flickr user michalo.

Wright Living is a division of the Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential, a leadership institute located in Chicago, Illinois. Wright Living performative learning programs are integrated into the curriculum at Wright Graduate University.

Stress at Work:
Here’s How to Deal

Posted on by Wright Foundation

We’ve talked before about the damaging effects of stress at work and the healthy ways and unhealthy ways we can choose to deal with it.


Healthy ways to deal with stress include: meditating, keeping yourself energized, organized, and on-task, giving yourself a break, and most importantly, fully engaging in the task at hand.

People often think that stress means you have too few hours in the day and too long a list to tackle. More often, stress comes because we’re distracted. We’re giving in to passive behavior. We feel it’s easier to just complain and ruminate on what’s bothering us, than to speak up and say something about it.

Just like our muscles, our social-emotional skills need to be flexed and exercised to get stronger and more efficient. When a muscle is tense and tight, it can’t ever fully relax. But when you’re engaging, stretching and using those muscles, they relax and become looser and more flexible.

We have to do the same thing to our social-emotional muscles. We need to fully engage. Stop holding back when things are bugging you—speak up and say something. Don’t participate in eye-rolling and bad attitudes, because that’s not going to make things any better. In fact, you’re going to end up more stressed out and more exhausted. Tasks will seem even more insurmountable.

How to Be Less Stressed in the Boardroom

What are some of our most stressful moments at work? Meetings. Interactions with our coworkers. Why is that? These should be some of our best opportunities to engage—to share our vision with management, and to get energized and pumped up for the next task.

Instead, what happens in meetings? We allow one or two people to get us off track. Someone starts complaining or someone’s annoying habits and traits start to get under our skin. Suddenly, we’re not even focused on the purpose and message of the meeting—or worse—management and those running the meeting have lost their focus.

It’s up to every one of us to engage and get things back on track. Speak up, and let your coworkers and mangers know you’d like to get the conversation back on track. Ask to revisit the desired outcome and the purpose of the meeting, and repeat the objectives as you understand them. Sometimes those actions alone can keep things from running off the rails and getting stressful.

The worst thing that could happen? Well, you could be fired…but I haven’t heard too many cases where someone was fired for trying to get a meeting back on track. (Would you really want to work for a company like that anyway?) Really though, we hold back because we don’t want people to think we’re being “pushy” or “a jerk,” or we’re just afraid of what people think of us. The question is: are you really being true to yourself by holding back? Are you being honest and holding on to your values and integrity?

It’s better to speak up and let others know when something is bothering you, than to just let it become a “bitch-fest” where everyone voices their complaints and gripes, and attacks one another. Take back the focus and you’ll bring out your natural leadership.

What To Do When You Lose Focus

When it comes to being productive, we can end up our own worst enemy. I’ve talked before about the importance of meditation and having downtime—those activities outside of work where you can fully recharge. To keep your focus on your to-do list and the task at hand, you need these head-clearing activities.

Other times, distractions (like the Internet, social media, and email) can creep into our day and destroy our focus. Rather than allowing these tools to make us more productive, we let them get in our way.

Try something new. When you’re ready to start your day, don’t even check your email. Tackle your biggest, hardest task first, and get it out of the way. Then, you can let yourself look at your email and do the things you need to do to invite others into your mind-space.

People who are the most productive tackle difficult things first. They don’t necessarily work harder, but they work smarter. They keep their focus, they take breaks to meditate, they have outlets, and they nourish their yearnings with personal time and activities important to them. They don’t go back and forth responding to twenty emails every morning before they tackle important stuff.

We all have the power to make our work less stressful. By fully engaging and staying focused on the task at hand, participating in meetings, and speaking up and sharing our vision with our coworkers, we can make work a place of accomplishment, where we feel good about what we’re doing and ourselves. We can achieve goals that make us feel more powerful, more in control, and more engaged. We can find opportunities to be successful. Stress is the opposite of success. Keep yourself highly-focused and you’ll leave work with a sense of fulfillment each day.

Listen to this episode here on BlogTalkRadio or here on iTunes.
Check Out Lifestyle Podcasts at BlogTalkRadio with Wright Living on BlogTalkRadio.

If you want to know more about how to work on your own social and emotional intelligence and growth, join us for our More Life Training. Don’t miss our transformative high-value weekend of learning foundational skills and reawakening your social and emotional intelligence: the primary variable indicating career success. [Learn more!]

Want to boost your career? If you’d like to learn more about what the Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential has to offer check out:

Want to improve your sales? The Wright Sales Program is a hands-on, experiential program that provides sales professionals with an opportunity to boost their sales performance through the application of social and emotional intelligence to their selling techniques. [Learn more!]

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Wright Living is a division of the Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential, a leadership institute located in Chicago, Illinois. Wright Living performative learning programs are integrated into the curriculum at Wright Graduate University.

Why We Need
Human Touch

Posted on by Wright Foundation

Touch is vital to our wellbeing as humans. From birth, we are hardwired to need and crave the touch of others—so much so that babies will actually die if they aren’t touched.


As we grow up and get older, we may be shamed into believing expressing affection is something we shouldn’t do openly. Perhaps your mother made you believe physical affection was for her benefit and not yours. Perhaps your father withheld affection or you never saw your parents engage with each other in a playful, affectionate way.

Somehow, along the way, we might have lost this ability to express affection through touch, even though we’re hardwired to crave it. We may try to substitute sex as the cure-all for any affection our partner may be craving.

Well, I’m here to tell you, expressing your affection through touch is vital to your relationship—hand-holding, hugging and kissing—these things let our partner know we see them, recognize them in the here and now and we connect with them. It’s part of getting the love you want and deserve.

Fortunately for me, Judith and I are both physically affectionate. So much so, we’ve received a few comments about our “PDA.” …but you know what? PDA isn’t a bad thing. We need to get away from this puritanical concept of physical affection being somehow shameful or only about sex.

Physical affection is about acknowledgment. It’s about honesty. Intimacy and touch show vulnerability. It’s showing a connection and it’s meeting your needs and the needs of your partner.

You Can’t Meet All Your Needs With Sex

In many couples, the guy (and sometimes the woman) thinks if he and his partner have sex, it’s enough for her—all her needs for affection are taken care of. The rest of the time, he withholds. Perhaps sex is seen as the way to reconnect and resolve a conflict when there are still items out on the table.

Rather than engaging in this false intimacy, listen to the yearnings of your partner. Perhaps your significant other says she doesn’t want to talk about things or uses non-verbal affection as a way to make everything okay.

You won’t be fully engaged if you aren’t addressing the real issue at hand. In our new book, The Heart of the Fight, we talk about engaging with your partner in an honest way—not hiding behind sex as a barrier for actual engagement and conflict.

When one partner is naturally more physically affectionate than the other, it can leave a sense of rejection permeating the relationship. There’s this feeling of, “I had my hand slapped away once, so I’m not going to reach out again.”

Express these yearnings, hungers and desires to your partner. Let them know you wish they’d touch you in a softer way or you’d prefer they were more physically expressive. Once you let them know, engage with them on a regular basis!

Holding Back

If you’re a conflict avoider, you might have this innate desire to “make everything okay.” You get sucked into drama triangles, swooping in and trying to rescue everyone, and to be identified and acknowledged. You may hide your yearnings behind the guise of putting other’s needs before your own.

It’s important we express our yearnings rather than trying to smooth things over or telling ourselves we don’t mind going without. If you desire more intimacy, a deeper connection, and more affection from your partner, let them know! Tell them your needs and desires aren’t being met and ask how you can get on the same page.

When we come into relationships, we come with our history or cultural baggage from our family and environment. We’re a product of the way we were raised and imprinting from our parents. As we grow and undertake the transformational process, we may realize some of those patterns are damaging or have no good reason or rationale behind them.

If you’ve watched a parent manipulate by withholding affection or suppress anger and frustration by shutting down, you may think this is a normal way to deal with things. It may be “normal” but it’s certainly not healthy or a good way to strengthen the bond of intimacy between you and loved ones.

Express your affection for others and make an effort to understand their yearnings and desires as well. All of us long to be touched and acknowledged in an honest way by someone who understands and appreciates us. It creates a richer, deeper connection and is a dynamic part of being in a couple.

Join us for the first More Life Training. Kick-off the year by engaging in what I promise will be one of the best weekends of your life. It will give you the tools you need to go forth and ignite your world.

Liked this post and want more? Sign up for updates– free!

Want to learn more about more satisfying dates and relationships? If you’d like to learn more about what the Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential has to offer check out:

Liked this post and want more? Sign up for updates – free!

Listen to this episode here on BlogTalkRadio or here on iTunes.
Check Out Lifestyle Podcasts at BlogTalkRadio with Wright Living on BlogTalkRadio.

Blog post image courtesy: Flickr user 12725519@N07.

Wright Living is a division of the Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential, a leadership institute located in Chicago, Illinois. Wright Living performative learning programs are integrated into the curriculum at Wright Graduate University.

Should I Bring a Date
Home for the Holidays?

Posted on by Wright Foundation

Ah the holidays…feelings of joy, goodwill towards others, and what’s this? Dread?! If you’re just in a relationship, dating someone new or single, the holidays can bring up a whole myriad of concerns.


 

“What if I bring Sara to Christmas dinner and my aunt Susan talks about how much she (and the whole family) loved my ex, Julie?”

Or worse… “What if Sam goes to my cousin’s wedding with me and my sisters start up about when WE’RE going to get married? We’ve literally been dating for two months. Is it too soon to bring him?”

Whatever your situation, facing the litmus test of family, friends and merriment can dredge up all sorts of expectations, yearnings and feelings. If it’s a holiday like Valentine’s Day, Christmas or a birthday, there’s always the issue of whether or not to get gifts for the guy or girl you’re dating. If it’s a romantic event (like a wedding or worse—a destination wedding) or a family-heavy event, there are a lot of uncertainties.

“We Aren’t That Serious!”

When you’re first dating someone, there’s often a heady, euphoric, romantic period. You have control over the way you present yourself. You can engage with your date one-on-one and get to know each other. You may be determining the direction of the relationship, exploring the connection, and deciding how far you want things to continue.

There can be a fear the person you’re dating will “read into” an invitation and assume things are more serious. If this is the case, it might be time to take a look at what’s holding you back. There’s an underlying reason you don’t want them to read into the invitation—and that reason should be explored.

Are you fearful they’ll misread your invitation? Are you afraid of taking the relationship further? Or are you afraid they’re not as serious and you’re avoiding pushing it? Either way, it’s time for some personal work and growth.

On the flipside, what if you’re afraid of showing up single to an event? Are you reaching to the other person to be a shield from engaging with your family? Is that easier than setting appropriate boundaries and letting them know that while you appreciate their concern and feedback, you’re perfectly happy with this stage in your life?

“My Family Is Weird!”

Okay, sometimes it’s not about the person you’re dating at all, but about your own family dynamics…on the surface. We’re all familiar with our own family quirks, be they positive or negative. Sometimes exposing another person to that dynamic can be scary. You’re waiting for them to notice similarities (the dreaded “you’re just like your mother”) or for your family to do something embarrassing or frustrating.

You aren’t a jerk for feeling you’d prefer to spare your significant other the interaction with your family. You also aren’t a jerk to want have your family time all to yourself or to feel your relationship isn’t ready. The point is to own it and express it.

If you’re truly engaging with your significant other in a meaningful, honest way, chances are they aren’t going to see your freaky family and head for the hills. This can be a great opportunity for you to do a little transformational growth work and focus on what it is about your family dynamic that freaks you out.

We’re often our most vulnerable around family members, who have seen us at our best and worst. They may still remember the rough patch you went through in college or the fact you were a bed-wetter in elementary school. What’s worse, you never know what they’re going to “share” with a new person. Maybe your family is loud and overwhelming. Maybe you just miss your family and you don’t want to have to be shadowed by a new boyfriend or girlfriend, worrying about their needs the entire time.

There’s no time like the present to confront some of these issues head-on. When your sister brings up an embarrassing story (again), let her know it’s time you move past it. If your dad’s politics won’t jive with your new girlfriend, give her a heads up before dinner and divert the conversation. If you need your boyfriend to engage with your family, sans hand-holding, let him know ahead of time he’s going to have to hold his own.

As it turns out, these events can actually strengthen your bond, as you develop an “ally” mentality. It can be very reassuring to have your date there to support you and help understand where you’re coming from. Even if you decide it’s not an appropriate time for them to attend an event, it can be wonderful to have a sounding board when you need to vent.

“I Wasn’t Invited…”

It happens. It can bring up all kinds of feelings and yearnings. Did you express to your boyfriend or girlfriend you wanted to go? Did you explain you feel you’re in a place where you feel like you should have been invited?

There’s really no hard and fast rule about how many dates or how old a relationship should be before you go to events or give gifts. If you aren’t sure where you are, it’s time to talk about it. Not only that, but your date might be wondering the same sorts of things, and having the same fears and yearnings.

Admit to yourself (and to your boyfriend or girlfriend) you feel bad you weren’t invited. It’s perfectly okay to have a reaction where you feel hurt or things didn’t turn out in a satisfactory way. Oftentimes the anxiety about how these things will go permeates the interaction and builds up until it turns into an explosive reaction. It’s better to deal with it immediately and handle the conflict ahead of time.

During the holidays and big events, we can get this feeling like we’re supposed to feel something we aren’t—like we are supposed to be happy. Our relationship is supposed to be 100% fulfilling and perfect. We’re supposed to give them the greatest Valentine’s Day gift ever. It’s time to remind yourself, you are okay—work on strengthening your own sense of self-worth, first. You might want to visit your family alone, and that’s okay. You might not give the perfect gift, and that’s okay, too.

Focus on making the experience positive and approaching it with honest and open engagement. Let down the anticipatory anxiety over what you think it’s “supposed” to be and just let it happen organically. You just may find you enjoy the event and learn a thing or two about yourself and your date!

Join us every two weeks on Wednesdays at noon CST for our podcast Bring Out Your Best! where we discuss dating, relationships and being your best self.

If you’re looking for deeper, more meaningful relationships, you can order our new relationships book: The Heart of The Fight, coming out next February.

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