Month: September 2015

When Couples Fight:
“You’re Just Like Your Dad”

Posted on by Wright Foundation

 

How many of us have been told, “You’re just like your dad,” or maybe you’ve even directed something similar at your partner in a heated moment?


This common accusation comes into play in many discussions, arguments and fights. It tends to be at the root of many relationship contentions….and rightly so. Neuroscience tells us it turns out good ol’ Freud was right about a few things. Much of our personality and attitudes are programmed while we’re still with mom and dad, and some of it before we’re even aware or can even do anything about it.

We Get More Than Our Genes From Our Parents

Our underlying thoughts, feelings, beliefs and behavior patterns are formed in our infancy and early childhood. By age seven, this “program” is already running our interactions, making up the basis of who we are. It forms our emotional intelligence and shapes our understanding of social interactions. Who’s at the center of your social universe as a child? Your parents, of course!

We have many of our parents’ personality traits and we’re dealing with a lot of this baggage way before we ever meet our partner. It doesn’t make the words “you’re just like your family” any less cutting, however.

We may have identified things about our parents we resent or there may be expectations and disappointments we’re fighting against and trying to resolve.

We may be drawn to people who react to us in familiar ways and suddenly we find our spouse does something that triggers us in the same way our mother, sister or brother did. Instantly we become the defensive, hurt little kid once more or we find ourselves bending over backwards to please someone we perceive is withholding the approval we yearn for. You can see how this family business gets messy.

Take Charge of Your Emotions and Reactions

When you’re engaged in transformational work, you learn how to examine yourself so you can work to overcome limiting beliefs and take responsibility for your emotions and choices. You can stop reacting in the ways your parents showed you and you can move beyond the self-fulfilling prophecies.

Is it easy? No! Maybe your family swept things under the rug so well, you can’t even identify the lumps. (But I guarantee your partner will be able to—just ask.) Nobody’s perfect, even if you’ve put your parents up on a pedestal. Maybe you’re fighting against the limiting belief you can’t trust others because your trust was broken as a young child and in turn this causes you to act in untrustworthy ways as a defense.

We all bring things into the relationship and we need to move away from blaming our partner for any unhappiness we bring in. We all desire trust and we want to be accurately seen and heard in the here and now with positive regard, consistently and unconditionally. Our partner desires this too, just as our parents and grandparents before them yearned for it in their relationships.

The one truth about our family dynamics and our relationships with our parents is there’s no way to escape them. It’s something you have to face if you want to move forward and let go of things imprinted on your personality early in life. It definitely means you need to work on yourself and you need to engage with your partner. It may also mean you and your partner need to resolve some issues with your family members, especially as you introduce your partner to your family and grow together.

When we move into adulthood and let go of mother’s apron strings, we still bring with us the notions of intimacy and abandonment, as well as coping techniques and triggers into our closest relationships. Our partner does the same. Sometimes trying to understand where your partner’s coming from means you need to sit down with your parent-in-law or sibling-in-laws and say, “Hey, this is who I am and these things are important to me.” Get to know them, let them get to know you, and express your limits and feelings.

Chances are you won’t change those deep dark family behaviors, but you will gain an understanding of your spouse and how they react and interact in a relationship. You will then be able to work with them openly and honestly (and vice versa) as you identify what’s positive about your matrix and where your limiting beliefs lie.

Bringing Your Self to Each Relationship

From Jung, we learn about the shadow self. From Freud, the unconscious self. The root of our psyche is based in our past and comes largely from dear old mom and dad. By identifying the positives and the negatives, and examining it in a critical and clear light, you will both learn from them and overcome the limitations holding you back.

So the next time your partner says, “You’re just like your dad,” stop and hear what’s really being said. What’s the behavior you’re being called out on and why does it bother you? Start to do transformational work and the answer will become clear. We’re all a product of our parents, so the things we can learn from them and about them help us grow and move forward.

For more ways to regulate your emotions and become an expert at conflict resolution, visit Wright Now. We offer an array of courses geared to help you learn more about yourself, your career, and your relationships. So don’t miss out on the life you want. Go for it now!

Blog post image courtesy: Flickr user 59632563@N04.

Wright Living is a division of the Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential, a leadership institute located in Chicago, Illinois. Wright Living performative learning programs are integrated into the curriculum at Wright Graduate University.

Literotica: 50 Shades of Grey

Posted on by Wright Team

Ah…50 Shades of Grey…chick lit, literotica—books we all like to read (okay, maybe not on the train or in public), but we don’t always readily admit it.


Jokingly referred to as “literary porn” or “porn for women,” these page-turners might not be classical literature, but they’re entertaining and fun.

Taking a deeper look at the “why” behind why we’re drawn to these books (as well as chick flicks and sitcoms) brings up some interesting things about who we are, what we want, and what our secret yearnings are when it comes to relationships and dating.

Discussions about Christian Grey bring up some blushing and giggles even among friends, or at the very least, nervous laughter. These aren’t necessarily things we feel comfortable discussing even with our closest buds, because maybe we aren’t comfortable with the things we secretly want. There might be a little shame, some hang ups, or the feelings your desires aren’t “normal,” or maybe even that they go against your feminist ideals. There’s also a fear of rejection when we share a fantasy with a boyfriend or girlfriend. What if the person goes, “Wow, you’re a freak!” and heads for the hills? (Spoiler alert: if you’re engaged in open honest communication, they won’t.)

There’s a lot we can learn about ourselves from our admiration of this version of love, sex and romance. Sex without emotional attachment, potential hurts, disappointments and expectations can be an appealing prospect. In movies we see couples who seemingly never fight or “fight cute” and things always have a happy ending. In life this is rarely the case.

Similar to porn films, the idealized portrayal of sex in these films eschew messy emotional attachments, the yearnings of our heart, vulnerabilities, proclivities and our intellectual sides that can prohibit us from letting go sexually. There’s also a fear of facing boundaries and knowing the limits of our own allowances.

In the novel 50 Shades of Grey, the protagonist Christian Grey exudes confidence, success and alpha-male attitude. While some us may find the character off-putting on paper, we would have to admit many of the qualities he has are attractive. Success and confidence are universally appealing qualities. It’s no wonder many of us secretly swoon when we read about him.

So, how can we apply this to dating life?

Being clear about your yearnings and desires is certainly part of it. It may be difficult to talk about what you want with a first date, but as you become more comfortable with your partner, let them know what things you find appealing. Try things and be clear about what turns you on and what doesn’t do it for you. The worst that can happen is you have some awkward sexual moments, but you’ll ultimately end up with an even more satisfying life in the bedroom.

Talk with your partner about what turns you on and what turns them on, but don’t rely on idealized fictional relationships to be the marker of what your relationship should be. In literature we see superficial “romance” of flowers, chocolates and perfect couples. As we know, while romance is an important part of relationships, there are much deeper ways of connecting.

In fiction, we also see the concept of “The ONE” or a woman who can “tame” the wild alpha male. In reality, as we all know, there isn’t a perfect match out there or one person who can “fix” us or repair our broken heart. If someone’s holding back on intimacy or failing to engage, they need to do some internal work on their own (not meet the perfect dream girl). Holding the bar at this standard isn’t realistic. There’s nothing wrong with a fantasy as long as you realize it’s just that.

As we found out from our discussion on this topic, a lot of guys have a hard time figuring out how to navigate the world of fantasy vs. reality as well. While the “literotica” market may appeal to the ladies more than the men, the fantasy aspect’s the same as it can be in porn. It’s about making a correlation and a compromise between the things you see and read about, and the things that fit into your life and apply to your relationships—not using them as a substitute for real intimacy but as part of a healthy fantasy and sex life.

If you have open lines of communication and you’re being authentic, honest and engaging with your dates, you’re going to be discussing these yearnings and bringing them out in your relationship.

True relationships are about connecting and communicating. Fiction can be fun and a way to escape into a fantasy world, but keep yourself grounded in reality to maximize your happiness. Make sure you don’t fall into the realm of soft-addiction and too much escape into your fantasy life. Romantic books and movies should remain fun and entertaining and there’s no harm in a little of that!

You’ll be able to read all about these ideas and more in Dr. Bob and Judith’s Wright’s new book out now: The Heart of the Fight: A Couple’s Guide to Fifteen Common Fights, What They Really Mean, and How They Can Bring You Closer. (Available on Amazon now!)

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About the Author
Monica

Monica is the Admissions Coordinator and Marketing Specialist at the Wright Graduate University. As the admissions coordinator and head of marketing for WGU, Monica oversees recruiting, student admissions, customer services and marketing efforts.

Blog post image courtesy Flickr user jeepersmedia.

The Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential, a leadership institute located in Chicago, Illinois. Wright Living performative learning programs are integrated into the curriculum at Wright Graduate University.

Mindfulness at Work:
Dealing with Difficult Employees

Posted on by Wright Foundation

As leaders, supervisors and employers, we’re often faced with difficult and frustrating employee situations.


We’re also often dependent on our employees to get their work done and bring their skills to the table. Those skills are the very reason they were hired, and yet, sometimes those talents and what we perceive as “unique” skill sets can cause us to overlook or cope with insubordinate behavior for far too long.

First of all, no employee is indispensable. The same rules apply to you, as a supervisor, administrator or manager. We all need to perform to our best level, take ownership of our roles and fully engage with our jobs so we’re getting and giving the most possible. If an employee isn’t giving the effort needed, don’t be afraid to liberate them from the job so they can find a better, more mutually fitting job.

Most of us find there are times when employees take advantage of a situation that may not call for a full-fledged “liberation” from the company. Things like chronic lateness, failure to adhere to policies, or collusion may call for a timeout, a supervisory intervention, and a redirection.

Dealing with Entitlement

There can be a sense of entitlement among the millennial generation (and other groups too, of course) leaning on the false idea a job should be tailored to an employee’s individual needs. You may find yourself stunned when a new, talented member of your team simply feels like they don’t need to show up to work on time or they can leave a meeting because they don’t like what’s being said.

In today’s ever-changing workplace, it can be difficult to hold back your frustration with this kind of lousy attitude. The key is to approach the situation with diplomacy, honesty and without fear. Stop being afraid of offending your employee by requiring they do their job. They can have a voice and an opinion, but that doesn’t make them exempt from meeting the expectations on the table. Even if they don’t like what’s being said, they still need to listen and show up. Remind them the pool is large and no one is so talented they can’t be replaced.

Clear-Cut Job Descriptions & Expectations

Expectations and criteria for success in a position must be clearly laid out in your company policies. Employees should be given regular reviews and feedback. Tell your employees you value them and why, but also let them know they’re expected to meet the requirements of the job. For salaried employees it can mean extra hours, extra tasks and other requests that reasonably fit into the workday requirements. Hourly employees should understand they need to be in attendance during their scheduled times and any violation of the schedule will be addressed.

The most important thing you can do from the beginning is to follow through with your policies. Every time you let little things slide, you’re showing the employee boundaries can be broken and the rules are flexible. If you don’t want to be walked on, head it off before the first step’s even taken.

Inconsistency is the most powerful form of behavioral modification. Each time something happens with no consequence it sends the message it’s “okay to get away with it.” One shocking thing for anyone is a rule that’s suddenly changed or enforced. If you’ve been letting enforcement slack or the handbook has gathered dust, you have your work cut out for you.

Behavior First, Attitude Will Follow

Sometimes the attitude of an employee can be much more frustrating than their behavior. That said, it’s much easier to change and enforce behavior than it is to force someone to have a great attitude. If employees are successful, driven, and feeling accomplished because of positive feedback for their actions and behaviors, the attitude will follow. Redirecting the behavior and outlining expectations sets boundaries and parameters for the employee to work within. It gives them a platform to be successful and we all know when you’re successful your attitude about your job is positive.

If behavior has eroded to where you’ve let things slide too many times or employees have “called your bluff,” you may find you’re engaged in a power play or a standoff. It becomes a hostage situation—the employee knows they can push boundaries again and again, because you’ve allowed it. You end up feeling injured and the employee feels entitled.

Address Problems Immediately

In discussions with the employee, the most important variable is immediacy. Poor attitudes and insubordination spreads through teams and departments like wildfire. When performance issues go unnoticed or get added to a laundry list that’s only addressed once a year in a performance review, it can make employees feel resentful—and rightfully so! You haven’t laid out mistakes as they happened. They may not even know they’re not meeting expectations.

Sit the employee down and give them a present state of affairs. Explain the current state of your relationship with them and their employment. Explain the ideal state. Let the employee know you’re willing to lose them. Explain your expectations and how they must be met as a condition for success. Ask the employee what success looks like for them and how you can help their ideal state. Once both of you have laid your cards on the table, you’ll find it much easier to move forward.

Your vision and your employee’s vision should align or at least meet in the middle. For the best employees, enroll them in solving the problem. The real skill of leadership is to lead an employee to their ideal state and have it align with the ideal state of the company. Find the common goals and go for the win-win situation.

If you would like to learn how to embrace your strengths and become a leader, visit Wright Now. Learn more about yourself and how you can improve both your professional and personal relationships. Live a life of purpose and peace right now!

Bob-300x250-1

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Blog post image courtesy: Flickr user jazbeck.

Learn more about Wright Living’s Career & Leadership Coaching in Chicago & Career Coaching Courses in Chicago.

How to Create
a Great Team

Posted on by Wright Foundation

From music to sports to business, we all see the value and importance of a cohesive team. Sometimes we get so tied up in doing our own work, getting ahead and excelling at what we’re doing that we fail to engage and grow with others.


 

Failing to engage means the entire team will fail, too.

We’ve all been in a work situation where we’ve had to collaborate with one or several other people. When it works, the personality types mesh together to compensate for each other’s weaknesses and build on each other’s strengths. A great team works together like a machine or a symphony—each of the pieces performing their own role but each just as important as the other.

3 Rules for Creating a Great Team
  1. Hire people with high social and emotional intelligence.
  2. Develop your own social and emotional intelligence.
  3. Learn how to recognize social and emotional intelligence in others.

People with high social and emotional intelligence express themselves well. They respond quickly to feedback and they know who they are. They’re comfortable with engagement and challenges. They’re able to articulate their point and they’re able to work well with others to bring out the best.

You may have a strong personality or be great at selling or getting people enthused about a topic. This doesn’t mean you necessarily engage well with others. Are you bulling them over or pushing your way through? Are you so strong on your team that you’re forcing everyone to conform to your ideas? Are you doing all the work? Are you the only one pushing the momentum along?

Each team needs a bull, a cheerleader, a note-taker, a details person, and more. Sometimes you can take on multiple roles and sometimes there’s enough to go around. There are certain personalities that are diametrically opposed and there are certain personality types that meld. Identify your personality and know your weaknesses and strengths so you can bring that out in your team.

Similarly, when you’re working with a team, examine who you’re recruiting and choose members who work well together. In today’s world, we obviously don’t always have the luxury of picking and choosing all the time, so sometimes you have to play the hand you’re dealt. Still—there are certain personality types, for example, enthusiastic (afraid of not being appreciated) won’t click so well with detailed (afraid of mistakes). These are called polar opposites.

Understanding various traits of different personality types and your own personality profile can give you a real leg up when it comes to forming teams and assigning roles. If you’re stuck with a team of opposing personality types, try to space the tasks far apart or break them down and assign in a way where one member won’t be in constant conflict and opposition with the other.

Ask the Hard Questions

When you’re interviewing job candidates, putting together a project team from existing employees, or even simply trying to bring out the best in your team as a team member, ask the hard questions. How do the other team members deal with conflict or opposing viewpoints? What are their strengths? Are they detail-oriented? How do they handle mistakes? How are they at sales?

An effective team takes all kinds. Just like a band or a symphony—everyone works together under the conductor’s guidance to compliment strengths and fill in gaps.

Similarly when you’re faced with a team of people you don’t work well with because of past experiences or bad blood, it’s time to apologize and mend fences. It’s not easy when you know you’ve stepped over someone or hurt them, but a simple apology can go a long way in clearing the air. Just be sure you’re not taking on all the blame or being insincere. Both sides of the coin are not authentic or transformative.

When you need to rally your team, form a clear system for accountability. Discuss your shared vision and gather input from all members to establish a common work plan and mutual responsibility. Everyone should be taking on a fair share in accordance with the areas they excel in.

It’s part of transformational leadership—everyone is a leader when they’re articulating and working towards their vision (or a shared vision). Getting everyone into an ideal state and able to work together to fill in the gaps is about making everyone feel supported and heard. Does this mean everyone will agree and all the ideas will come to fruition? No, of course not—that would be chaos. It’s about bringing out the best outcome that’s shared by all parties.

Discuss the conditions and what ideal success looks like with your team. What are the best-case-scenario outcomes? As you work together you can learn from each team member’s areas of strength and expertise and build on your own. Having a great team means you’re an unstoppable force, an army able to complete a task much larger as a whole.

Having high social and emotional intelligence, you can read others and identify these roles early on. You can envision the playbook and outcomes ahead of time and fill in the gaps for both yourself and your team.

Join Us For More Life Training

In one educational and inspiring weekend, you’ll learn all about our practical, down-to-earth, easy-to-follow program designed to jumpstart your journey to self-discovery, personal fulfillment and better interpersonal relationships.

 

Listen to this episode here on BlogTalkRadio or here on iTunes.
Check Out Lifestyle Podcasts at BlogTalkRadio with Wright Living on BlogTalkRadio.

Blog post image courtesy: Flickr user salforduniversity.

Learn more about Wright Living’s Career & Leadership Coaching in Chicago & Career Coaching Courses in Chicago.

Wright Living is a division of the Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential, a leadership institute located in Chicago, Illinois. Wright Living performative learning programs are integrated into the curriculum at Wright Graduate University.

How to Date a Busy Person—
and How to Date
When You’re Busy!

Posted on by Wright Team

How many of us feel like we just don’t have time to date? There’s barely enough time some days to work, feed ourselves, exercise and shower…let alone form a meaningful connection with another person!


 

Well, it’s time to date smarter. Dating, like any interactive, growth-oriented experience should have a goal in mind, a plan of execution, a timeframe (and yes, possibly a contingency plan when needed).

In your career, you don’t make time for unproductive activities. In your personal life, you focus on being your best self, growing, learning and feeding your needs. Why should your dating life be any different? Why should we fill our dating time with soft addictions and time fillers like Netflix or mindless entertainment, where we are in the same room, literally SPENDING time, but not making a connection?

What To Do When Your Date Says “I’m Too Busy”

This one’s an easy one, but it might not be an answer you want to hear—if your date is too busy, then you shouldn’t be dating them.

“Wait…but they’re the CEO of a big company and they’re finishing their PhD on the side, and they recently started to train for a marathon….”

Well, that means that they’re not making dating (or you) a priority in their life right now, and you need to find someone who values their time with you as much as you value your time with them.

Somehow in the course of our busy days we all find time to do the things we LOVE or see as non-negotiables. Maybe for you it’s yoga classes or running. Maybe it’s walking your dog, doing your hair, or reading the morning paper. Whatever those things are, you do them because you value them. You make time for them because you see these activities as important.

Dating should be just as important, if it’s something you both see as necessary at this juncture in your life. If your date wants to date you, they’ll make time for you—end of story.

Creative Dating Time Management

Maybe you won’t have time to do mindless, endless activities with your dates, like movies or concerts. Your time may be condensed, but look at this as a positive. By boiling down your dating activities to those things that really matter—important conversations, principles, shared goals and the real “nitty-gritty” of getting to know someone, you cut out all the B.S.

Take a cue from speed dating and business networking events—sometimes you ask the most pointed questions when your time is very limited. Meet for a morning coffee, a mid-workday lunch, or perhaps try a Skype or FaceTime date while you’re traveling. It’s really about sharing time with the other person—make that person, not the activity, the precedence.

Meeting New People

When you’re busy it can be difficult to meet people. If you don’t spend time lingering around bars, at singles events, clubs, or other nightlife hotspots, you might find that meeting a real, live “normal” human being can be, well, a challenge.

Again, consider the way you would conduct a job search. You’d consult your network, look at shared connections, put your best, but most honest foot forward and make sure your resume (or profile) reflects the important details. Do the same with your dating life. If you date online, be sure you’re honest, genuine and upfront with your profile. Say what you’re expecting and state your goals.

When you value your time, you may find that you go through more dating partners—simply because you aren’t throwing your time around with someone that you know isn’t right. It’s not about just getting a free lunch or going to find something mutually entertaining. If you take time out of your busy schedule, it needs to be worth it.

If you’re still struggling, try a professional matchmaker or executive match service. This can help you narrow down the field and find more potential dates who are on your level and share your lifestyle, schedule and priorities.

Screen Your Dates

No one has time for a bad date. Do both of yourselves a favor and have the courtesy to politely end it, if need be. It might seem harsh at first but if you’re sitting through a conversation that you know is quickly going south, it’s worth your time and theirs to be upfront, direct, and honest—it’s time to say, “thanks but no thanks.”

Spending your time with someone that feels “worthy” of your limited hours is exciting. You’ll find more quality, less quantity gets you much further in the dating world.

If you’re hearing from your dates that they don’t feel you have enough time for them (and you are genuinely interested), then it’s time to examine what might be holding you back. Are you afraid of getting hurt? Are you hiding what you really want? Are you not conveying your needs and being honest and open with them?

Being vulnerable enough to take time to bond with another person and be your honest and true self can be very scary, but it can also lead to amazing and wonderful things. Opening up your heart (and your schedule) to another person requires a level of trust and desire that you may not have with everyone. You may not even have it with anyone right now and that’s okay too.

If you decide your schedule is simply too busy for dating, be honest with yourself about why you’re choosing not to make it a priority right now. It’s very empowering to admit that you’re not open to dating for the next few months because you’re focusing on your personal growth and you’re not in an emotional position to be with another person right now. That’s a much stronger reason than the simple excuse of “I’m too busy.”

Approach each person with genuine honesty and openness. Be true to yourself and your principles and you’ll find that your schedule won’t hold you back.

For more ideas on authenticity and love, visit Wright Now and explore our selection of courses and webinars. We offer resources to help you discover more about yourself, your relationships, and your career. So start living a life of MORE today!

Join Us For More Life Training

In one educational and inspiring weekend, you’ll learn all about our practical, down-to-earth, easy-to-follow program designed to jumpstart your journey to self-discovery, personal fulfillment and better interpersonal relationships.
 

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Monica is the Admissions Coordinator and Marketing Specialist at the Wright Graduate University. As the admissions coordinator and head of marketing for WGU, Monica oversees recruiting, student admissions, customer services and marketing efforts.

Blog post image courtesy Flickr user alville.

Wright Living is a division of the Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential, a leadership institute located in Chicago, Illinois. Wright Living performative learning programs are integrated into the curriculum at Wright Graduate University.

How To Reboot
Your Dating Life
by Telling the Truth

Posted on by Wright Team

Meeting new people and discovering who they are isn’t all there is to dating; we also get to know ourselves in every relationship—whether it’s one date long or a thousand dates long.


Authenticity is one of the hardest things to bring to the table when dating. After all, we’re getting to know perfect strangers, so often times our instinct is to put on a pleasant face and demeanor even when things aren’t going quite right.

But the entire dating experience can really change when you commit to honesty and authenticity. Yes, always being your authentic self can be challenging, but it’s also the best way to learn and grow, and to get the most out of every date.

Honesty on First Dates

Authenticity on a first date can be difficult—but it’s completely worth it. Prior to your date, try telling yourself, “I am going to be fully engaged while I’m there. I will be present enough to know what I like or dislike about this person, and I will be real and honest.” From there, work to be present and go with the flow.

Admittedly, being your true self is sometimes easier when a first date is going well. But what if you like your date’s personality, but you’re just not attracted to them? What if you end up in an uncomfortable conversation that conflicts with your values? What if only one of you is interested in a second date? Yikes!

This is when the going can get tough. Instead of engaging and being honest, many of us either put on a happy face and “smile through anything” or we become distant, just hoping to “get through it.” But that’s no way to live. Let’s think about the big picture: what do you want out of this date? If you’re not getting it, don’t be afraid to say how you’re feeling out loud (without being mean)—trust me, the world around you isn’t going to crumble! Both of you will probably be just fine, and then you can move forward from there.

A Second Date? Or Not?

When dating, consider going out with lots of different people to discover more about what you want in a partner. If you’re honest, authentic and present on every date, you’ll learn so much about yourself and each person you meet.

There’s nothing wrong with going on lots of first dates. Have fun! (And yes, you can tell the truth AND have fun!) Savor your experiences, talk about your loves, your likes, your dislikes…dive in and be there.

So after that first date with a new person, if you don’t feel like it’s going anywhere—say so and move on. While it may be hard to say NO to a second date, think about it this way: you’re not really sparing that person’s feelings. Instead you’re just delaying the inevitable. The other person will think you’re interested and you’ll suffer through a second date, distant and far from engaged. Sounds like a terrible way to spend time, right?

The bottom line: Simply say yes and mean yes or simply say no. You can do it.

Take Notes and Learn More

As a dating failsafe, try taking an inventory after each date: what were your likes and dislikes? Journal your thoughts and feelings about each person. Even when dating consciously, it’s worth reflecting on each date afterwards to get a handle on your overall experience. Writing down everything can help you be with your thoughts for a moment and perhaps even learn a new lesson or discover something new about yourself.

Consider your journal your “dating study guide.” It’ll help you learn more about yourself and exactly what you’re looking for in a partner. Happy dating!

Kate Holmquest

Kate Holmquest is a coach, curriculum developer, and campus director for Wright and the Wright Graduate University for the Realization of Human Potential who believes that dating is one of the best possible playgrounds for discovering and transforming yourself! Potential movie titles that describe her quest for satisfaction in single life are “40 First Dates” (a.k.a. dating with velocity), “Ten Things I Hate About You” (a.k.a. telling the truth on dates), and “The Thing About My Folks” (a.k.a. noticing and breaking the relationship rules I learned at home).

Blog post image courtesy Flickr user wtlphotos.

Wright Living is a division of the Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential, a leadership institute located in Chicago, Illinois. Wright Living performative learning programs are integrated into the curriculum at Wright Graduate University.

How to Define
Your Personal Brand

Posted on by Wright Foundation

What are YOU all about? When we think of personal branding, most people think it’s all about your “look”—am I formal, casual, artsy or professional in my dress?


The truth is that while your personal brand can be presented through your clothing and style choices, it goes much deeper—into who you really are.

Your personal brand is really about your defining characteristics, your truth, your honesty and your essence. It’s about presenting to the world the heart and soul of who you truly are.

When trying to understand and articulate your personal brand, terms like “value systems” and even “personality types” come up. This is when it’s time to work on your personal mission and vision statement and give it a review.

Your brand should be well thought out, applicable to all areas of your life, and above all, true and honest to yourself. Inauthentic branding is transparent and off-putting. We’ve all known someone who tries too hard or feels inauthentic in the way they act. That person’s failure to adhere to their personal brand is what you’re picking up on when a person feels “fake.”

Does Your Job Fit Your Brand?

We aren’t all graced with a job that’s 100% perfect for us all the time. Even entrepreneurs find they have to stretch themselves in certain ways to please a client, coworkers, or an industry-wide expectation that doesn’t quite align with how they understand their personal brand.

If you find you’re in a workplace that doesn’t quite “get” you, just like in a relationship, it’s time to take a long hard look at yourself and do some transformative work. Since we’re each 100% responsible for our own emotions and actions, you may need to look inside yourself to get on the same page as your office and team. Are you operating true to your inner self…or are you fighting against the culture of your company or organization out of fear, guilt, or shame?

Once you’ve looked at and managed your own internal “stuff,” be honest about your fit with the company. If you’re feeding off the negativity of others or not allowing yourself to really express your feelings and engage in a productive way, then maybe you’re contributing to the negative culture that you’re picking up on in your office.

If you find your workplace is truly holding you back, even though you’re meaningfully engaged in your life, then it may be time to consider a different organization with a culture that’s a better fit to your personal brand. This isn’t a knee-jerk decision, however, and should be one that’s arrived at only after you’ve done some personal growth work.

Put Your Best Face Forward

Remember when I said your personal brand isn’t just about how you dress or your personal style?

Well, it’s true, but personal style does come into play. People who take pride in themselves and care about themselves present themselves that way. This means dressing like you care about yourself, doing your hair like you care about how you look, and practicing self-care. After all, if you dress like you don’t matter, people will believe you.

There’s an old adage about dressing for your next position or the next rung up on the ladder, and generally it’s a good rule of thumb. It doesn’t mean you have to suppress who you are or wear a suit and tie if you work in a coffee shop. It does, however, mean you should give your work appearance a little extra polish. Your career is important and reflecting that importance in your appearance is key if you want to grow.

By the same token, if you have a big personality, don’t feel like you have to downplay your nature, but do reflect on how you’re resonating with others. Make sure you’re learning from them, and growing with them. A large part of learning is listening, so be sure your personality isn’t so loud that no one can hear over it!

Your personal brand should be identifiable to others but shouldn’t knock everyone over or force others to conform to who you are or how you want them to be. You should convey your personality, your style, your approach, and your personal philosophy in a way that lets others in. Engage with others on a level that both of you can reach so you can learn and grow together—and in turn, deepen and strengthen your personal brand.

Join Us For More Life Training

In one educational and inspiring weekend, you’ll learn all about our practical, down-to-earth, easy-to-follow program designed to jumpstart your journey to self-discovery, personal fulfillment and better interpersonal relationships.

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Wright Living is a division of the Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential, a leadership institute located in Chicago, Illinois. Wright Living performative learning programs are integrated into the curriculum at Wright Graduate University.

Love or Sex…Are You Getting One, or None?

Posted on by Wright Foundation

Relationships bring out the best in us. When we truly connect with another person and we work together towards goal-oriented transformation, we can find ourselves truly engaged in a partnership based on reciprocity.


Sex can strengthen and solidify that bond. Skin-on-skin, intimate contact touches us at the most primal level. Since early childhood, we have learned to crave touch and associate intimacy and affection with love.

So, why is that in many relationships we find that something is lacking? We resort to the cycle of blaming, stepping into what Dr. Steven Karpman coined the Transactional Analysis Theory or the drama triangle. This cycle of victimhood, persecutor, and rescuer can become a vicious pattern that destroys otherwise healthy relationships.

In our book, Transformed: The Science of Spectacular Living, we discuss a way you can break this cycle, take personal responsibility, and improve your relationship. Two of the important ground rules in any relationship: 1. No one should get more than 50% of the blame, and 2.) Each partner needs to take 100% of the responsibility for their own happiness.

If you’re finding that the intimacy and passion in your relationship has flown the coop, then you need to look at the limiting beliefs you’re focused on about yourself, and examine how your behavior may be contributing to this cycle. Often our relationships reflect something within ourselves that might be holding us back (or making us head for the hills).

Love ‘Em and Leave ‘Em

Are you finding that once intimacy and sex are on the table, the relationship takes a nosedive? Maybe you find that you’re pulling back, or you catch yourself avoiding the other person. Suddenly, the things that drew you in might be the things that repel you.

If you find yourself in the Groundhog Day version of repeating the same pattern again and again, it’s time to explore how your core limiting beliefs are affecting the way you deal with intimacy. Many of us feel we aren’t worthy of love or that we only want love (and sex) that we have to constantly chase and pursue.

We’re addicted to the seduction rather than the connection.

There’s the cliché that men are the only ones who are guilty of this mindset, but it’s not true—women can also feel stifled by intimacy or put off in relationships where they feel “too wanted.”

Why don’t we want, in the words of Groucho Marx, to belong to a club that would have someone like us as a member? Oftentimes it can go back to those core beliefs that were formed by the time we were seven or eight years old. If we were fighting for the attention of a parent, or had a mother or father who was withholding of affection, we may find ourselves constantly engaging in a chase that we will never win.

To overcome this pattern and break these self-fulfilling prophesies you must change your beliefs and change your actions. Sometimes it can feel strange, but it’s easier to change our actions and watch our beliefs follow. Try new actions by confessing your fears before things escalate, let the person know you can feel yourself starting to have feelings for them, and it’s scary. Being vulnerable and opening up can lead to profound growth and transition. Even if it doesn’t feel “normal” to you, when you change your action your core belief will start to change as well.

Break Your Patterns

Perhaps you’re the one who’s often getting “ditched” in relationships or you have a pattern of choosing partners who don’t meet your needs or leave you feeling less than fulfilled. Even in these cases, the onus is still on you to change. As we know all too well, while we can share with a partner and work together, we are responsible for our own behavior and actions.

Set yourself up for relationship success by breaking your patterns. The next time you have a date that’s not working, give yourself the go ahead to say, “It was nice meeting you, but I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship any further.” Reclaim the power you have to walk away and reframe the belief that you HAVE to make every date turn into a relationship or that this is your “only chance.”

When the Sex Becomes Routine

In a new relationship you’re embarking on adventure, exploration and the thrill of connecting and getting to know another person. Intimacy, sex, and that all-important skin-to-skin contact are key to building a relationship, and part of the fun.

What happens when things become blah? And yes, it happens to almost everyone—after a time, we fall into patterns—get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch the news, go to bed (and sex is nowhere in the picture). As humans we are drawn to routine behaviors and establishing levels of normalcy; it’s just part of our nature. Because of this, yes, things can occasionally become less fiery and passionate than they were at first, but they also can become more deeply intimate.

If you’re committed to growth in your relationship and you and your partner are working together, you can achieve an even greater level of closeness, support and connectedness. It becomes less about physical intercourse and more about verbal and emotional intercourse. As you realize your own needs and articulate them to your partner, you’ll find ways to fulfill them yourself. At that point, sex is just the icing on the cake.

There are those couples that claim to still be all over each other like teenagers, while the rest of us look on with a raised eyebrow.

The truth is, that yes, perhaps both of you have very high sex drives and enjoy sex greatly, but a completely sexually driven relationship may be lacking in other areas of intimacy.

Be sure you aren’t using sex as a way to compensate or to connect over emotional distance. If you suspect this may be the case, then it’s time to do some exploration and transformational work to get your emotional intimacy back on track.

Love and sex are two different aspects of an intimate relationship, but they can be very beautifully intertwined. When you have a partner who is embarking on life’s journeys with you and you’re both challenging each other, it can be very fulfilling and help us work towards our best selves. Sometimes it’s hard work, but it’s so worth it.

If you’re looking for deeper, more meaningful relationships, you can order our new relationships book: The Heart of The Fight, out now. To learn more about intimacy and the health of your relationships, go to Wright Now, right now!

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The Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential is a leadership institute located in Chicago, Illinois. Wright Living performative learning programs are integrated into the curriculum at Wright Graduate University.

Help, I’m in the Wrong Job!

Posted on by Wright Foundation

Do you wonder if your current career is the “right” or “perfect” fit for you? It’s a common fear, much like with any long-term commitment. After all, you’re spending a lot of time and energy working for a place that could affect your career path forever, so it’s important that you feel like you’re going down the right road. Right?

Many people who think they may be in the wrong job are actually asking the wrong questions.

If you’ve been asking yourself, “Where do I belong?”
You should be asking, “Am I the right person?”
Focus on being the right person and the right job will find you. When you’re fully engaged in living your life, the right path will emerge from within you. Your life is yours. People who love their lives aren’t worried if they’re in the right job. Instead, they’re focused on being a satisfied and fulfilled person. That’s what really matters.

“What If I Decide to Change Jobs? How Can I Sell Myself to my Network?”

Leave the defensive attitude behind. There’s no need to sell yourself. Instead, look at your existing network, then reach out to those colleagues or friends who work at companies that interest you.

Approach each conversation with a “how can I help?” attitude. Ask each contact how their company is doing and what their main challenges are. Your ultimate goal is to see if there’s any way you can be of service.

Don’t worry about being “impressive” or showing off your skills. Your primary focus should be: Does this company have a need? Can I show them I’m the person who can help? Additionally: What is this company’s mission and how can I help the people at this company meet those goals?

“I Want to Move Up in my Company—What Do I Do?”

Everyone wants to get ahead in business, but schmoozing your way to the top isn’t the answer. Instead, focus on personal development. Internal immaturity causes avoidable mistakes, so don’t put the cart in front of the horse. Instead, focus on earning your way into higher positions.

Confidence at work is nice but there are very powerful dynamics operating within a business. Being a talented worker is great, but always strive for more. To get to the top, work to get the most out of whatever you’re doing—when you’re fully engaged and helpful, the right people will take notice.

Let the Right Job Come to You

There’s no need to worry about whether or not you’re in the “right” job. For a better career, focus first on your own personal wellness and growth. If you feel unfulfilled or unhappy in your current position, dig deeper to find out why. Put yourself out there for comments and criticisms, and use the feedback you receive to see what you can do to improve the situation.

The big picture: Deciding to switch careers or positions within a company? Approach the situation in the right way: with dedication, positivity, and a desire to grow and learn.

 

Learn more about Wright Living’s Career & Leadership Coaching in Chicago & Career Coaching Courses in Chicago.

Wright Living is a division of the Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential, a leadership institute located in Chicago, Illinois. Wright Living performative learning programs are integrated into the curriculum at Wright Graduate University.

What To Do When
Everyone You Date Sucks

Posted on by Wright Team

“I’ve been on six dates in the last month and all of them sucked. Everyone I date sucks. What should I do?”


 

This is a question we hear quite often. First of all, I’d like to point out that the question itself is a little misleading.

Dating can be a lot of things—challenging, exciting, interesting, and a chance to explore your own values and communication skills. Oh yeah, and it’s a chance to really connect with another person who you may eventually explore a more serious relationship with.

Many of us get frustrated in the dating world because we forget that the true excitement and beauty of dating is that you get to connect with so many different people. You get to have fun with someone else and learn a little bit about him or her, and in turn, you can learn quite a bit more about yourself. Dating is exciting and interesting. Keeping this mindset can help you approach dates with an open and positive mindset. This keeps your dating experiences growth-focused and helps you learn to engage with different people in different ways.

Reassess your expectations and move away from the cultural mindset of what dating “should be” or an idealized view of a date. Yes, he may chew with his mouth open or she may talk incessantly about her cat. Try to gain something from the situation anyway. Even if you know in the first five minutes that this isn’t something you wish to pursue, consider what you can gain from this interaction. What can you learn about yourself?

No, Seriously. These People SUCK.

So if you live in a small town or if you have a limited dating pool, you may have to get creative with your exploration. Even if you’re trying avenues like online dating, consider how you’re setting up your expectations and if you’re giving credence to dates that are really not going to be mutually satisfying from the get-go. Be up front about your needs and when you’re viewing a potential date’s profile, carefully consider the buzzwords they use.

Many of us tend to overlook those gut feelings or reactions in the hope of connecting with someone we find attractive or interesting. Attractive and interesting are important, but five or six months in, when you’re ready to hit up a gallery opening and a charity dinner and he’s browsing through Netflix in his snuggie …well, attractive and interesting just won’t be enough.

Look for Commonalities

If you’ve been on a string of bad dates, consider what they have in common. Are you unconsciously seeking out personality traits you actually find off-putting? Do you feel you’re connecting, only to be ghosted at the six-week mark time after time? It’s time to be honest with yourself about what you’re really looking for in someone and if you’re being clear with your expectations. Don’t shy away from the difficult questions and don’t go for someone because on paper you feel they’re what you “should” be seeking.

Reach for what you really want. Articulate it. Explore the common threads.

As you engage with another person, set yourself up for success by keeping the conversations genuine and authentic. It’s easy to fall in the patterns of griping about your day and talking about mundane aspects of work, but you’ll find, down the road, that you’re sitting on a string of “bad dates” with nothing to show. To really connect with another person means to get past the minutia. If your honest thoughts and emotions scare someone away, then you know they weren’t ready for the relationship anyway.

If you really want to figure out if a date is worth going out of your way or taking up an hour of your time, consider screening your dates a little more thoroughly. Ask each date if you could briefly talk on the phone beforehand—and be direct. Use their answers as a barometer for their emotional availability and interest.

Are All the Good Ones Taken?

Avoid the mindset that “all the good ones are gone” or that you’re the last person left without a relationship. This can be especially damaging when you find yourself single later in life, but there’s no reason to let this mindset enter your view.

People can grow and change at any age. For example, there are plenty of 55-year-olds who are running in their first 5K or tackling oil painting for the first time. Growth-oriented people are growth-oriented at any age. Conversely, there are plenty of teens and twenty-somethings who have no interest in personal responsibility, growth or change.

Look at dating as a great way to get to know some people a little better and to brush up on your own interpersonal and communication skills. Be realistic about the process and approach it with an open attitude. You may be surprised to find that your dates stop “sucking” and get a whole lot better.

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Monica is the Admissions Coordinator and Marketing Specialist at the Wright Graduate University. As the admissions coordinator and head of marketing for WGU, Monica oversees recruiting, student admissions, customer services and marketing efforts.

The Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential, a leadership institute located in Chicago, Illinois. Wright Living performative learning programs are integrated into the curriculum at Wright Graduate University.